Piexelating the Self -- Braude -- Intermezzo

Legacies of Learning

Dad's Story of Not Being Raised to Think of Happiness

“It wasn’t about happiness, hun; it wasn’t about happiness,” my dad said as we discussed how his parents raised him.

He was born into a upper-middle class Jewish community in southeast Michigan that designed and supported their children through certain criteria: receive “good grades,” go to college, get a good job, have a family. My father learned about his happiness, and unhappiness, through what was missing in discussions with his parents rather than direct conversations about what would influence his contentment as a child. In the upcoming audio clip, my dad tells about his choice to not play clarinet; it illustrates the cultural and personal fluidity of happiness that his parents implicitly taught him.

My dad, circa 27 years old, as a history teacher in Detroit

Spaces in Which My Dad Felt Happiness During His Upbringing

There were only a few spaces in which my dad felt he could pursue his passions, and in turn where he felt his parents recognized his happiness. First, "they supported the Saturns," his band in junior high. His parents drove him to gigs and allowed the guys to practice at their home. Second, his parents did not instruct him about whom he should or should not be friends with, although they preferred for him to date and marry a “Jewish girl.” Third, he was allowed to take woodshop courses in high school as an extracurricular activity, which was uncharacteristic for someone who was considered a “bright student.” Even though it strayed from the "good grades, college, good job, family" line up, his parents allowed him to excel with his woodworking; he made his parents “stuff”—tables and chairs—in his class, which might have influenced their investment in the class. While it wasn’t explicitly stated, as I grew up with my dad telling me stories about his childhood and adulthood, one of the key messages he gained from his father was a binary divide: “He never talked to me about the importance of doing what you really wanted to do or the joys of … [it], just of the hazards involved. Ironically, he told me I could be anything I wanted to be” (Braude 5).

My mom's high school senior picture

Mom's Story of Happiness in Her Upbringing

“Happiness was in waving to the neighbors as they drove by and walking with my dogs in the cow pastures," my mom told me as we discussed her past. Mom grew up in a small town about an hour outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; she describes it as a place where "no one left.”

Catholicism's rules and traditions directed the movement of life in the town. In this brief audio clip, mom is easily able to identify what she learned from her mother, father, and herself during her childhood years about what could bring happiness into one’s life.

Mom's Story of Where She Felt Happiness

My mother felt a sense of belonging within her community, but she also realized in some ways she did not fit; she had an adventurous spirit and a curiosity for the world. While neither of her parents had educational backgrounds, her father supported her academic achievements, which was a source of happiness for my mom because she felt school recognized her hard work and abilities. When it came time for her to decide about her own future, there was no set path; she could choose to be a secretary and stay in the community or attend college outside of her known community. Her mother said, "Go." And, although he passed away before she left, my mom followed her father’s encouragement and was the first in her family to attend college, then continue on for an advanced degree. Her parents' support was how my mom felt her parents believed in her happiness. The resonating message from her childhood was, "You make the good out of what you have, even if you don't have a lot."

The takeaway that my dad remembers from his parents’ pedagogy of happiness is already quoted above: “He never talked to me be about the importance of doing what you really wanted to do or the joys of … [it], just of the hazards involved. Ironically, he told me I could be anything I wanted to be” (Braude 5). My mom’s main message was, "You make the good out of what you have, even if you don't have a lot." These two distinct messages about a pedagogy of happiness worked to complement each other, as I remember my parents raising me.

"Unconditional love creates a parallel circle of happiness—in which we are encouraged to pursue those things that are meaningful and pleasurable for us."
— Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar

Published by Intermezzo, 2018